From Afar
by LindsayR
Summary: Buffy's POV on Spike's return and the new developments in his life. I decided to add a second chapter on these events from Spike's POV.
1. From Afar

Disclaimer:  I own nothing.  Everything belongs to Joss Whedon, etc.

The second line of the story is a quote from the movie Life as a House.

From Afar

By

Anessa Ramsey

            I heard this saying once, I can't remember where, but it stuck with me.  What you think you know has nothing to do with reality.  It's too bad I heard it when it was too late.  For so long I deluded myself into believing that everything was black and white.  There was only good and evil…no in between.  How I managed to delude myself for so long I'll never know.  I met Whistler and Angel when I was sixteen.  I should have realized then that there's always a gray area.  Instead I became just like the Watchers' that wanted to control me.  

            It's been four years since everything went down with Spike and I.  When I showed up at his crypt and he was gone I was too busy with worrying about Willow to think about the impact his departure would have on me.  When all was said and done the world was safe, Willow was in recovery and Xander and Anya were working they're way back toward reconciliation.  I was the only one whose life was still the same.  It was then that I began to think about what I'd done.

            Dawn would hate me forever if she knew what I'd done to Spike.  As it is I hate myself.  I still remember the bruises that covered his face after I beat him in that alley.  I damaged him nearly as much as Glory had.  I used him to feel, telling myself that he was soulless and that he didn't feel anything real.  I convinced myself that it was true.  No one knows that my world came crashing down around me when I realized it wasn't.  

            He'd been gone for three weeks and I'd been so busy trying to clean up the mess that Willow left behind I didn't have time to dwell on my actions.  Then I found his duster at the bottom of the hall closet.  I remember taking it out and smelling the soft leather.  It smelled of cigarettes, cologne, and a smell that was uniquely Spike.  I broke down that day.  I let out everything that I'd been hiding from everyone.  I finally thought about what had happened and that's when I realized it.  I loved him.  I also knew that I might never see him again.

            He did eventually come back.  It took a year but he showed up.  He found me sitting in his crypt, which Clem had long abandoned.  I often went there for some sort of comfort.  When I saw him I wanted nothing more than to throw myself into his arms and kiss him.  I wanted to apologize for everything I'd ever done to him.  I wanted to tell him I loved him.  I would have too, if I hadn't looked into his eyes.

            There's something about his eyes that just draws people in.  Maybe it's because they reflect every emotion or maybe it's because when he looks at you he seems to see into you, learning places inside you that no one else knows about.  But that night, all I saw was emptiness.  He was no longer the same man…demon…lover that I'd known.  All that love he once offered me was gone.

            I'm not looking for pity.  I don't deserve it.  I did everything I could to make him stop loving me.  Now that it finally worked I wanted nothing more than to will it back.  For several moments we just stood there.  I was the first to break the silence.

            "Hey."

            "Slayer."  I winced.  He hadn't called me that in a long time.

            "You're back."

            "So it seems."

            I bit my lip so hard it drew blood.  "Are you going to be staying?"

            "Yes.  But don't get your knickers in a twist.  I'm not going to be coming near you or your friends."  My heart broke inside my chest.  The pain was a thousand times worse than when Riley left and when Angel disappeared the night after graduation.  He kept going, unaware of the burden I now carried.  "We just came back to get some of my things.  We're moving into the mansion."

            I looked around.  He said we.  Who else was he talking about?  I certainly did not expect to see Angel step into the crypt and stand behind Spike, close enough to let me know that they were more than just roomates.  Spike's eyes lit up for the first time that night, and in those breathtaking blue depths was a look that had once been reserved for me.  It was apparent in Angel's eyes as well.

            They were in love and Spike had earned his soul.  When they first said the words I wanted to run and hide behind that wall of denial that it was so easy for me to duck behind.  Instead I thought about it.  Of course they were in love.  Spike would have gone to Angel first no matter how much hatred there was between them.  Angel was the only one equipped to deal with him.  Yet it was so much more than that.  Spike once told Angel and I something that I've always remembered…  'You're not friends.  You'll never be friends.  You'll be in love until it kills you both.  You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until you quiver, but you'll never be friends.  Love isn't brains, children, it's blood – blood screaming inside you to work it's will.'  Of course they were in love.  Blood calls to blood after all.  

            I still watch them, you know, but only when they're not looking.  I can see how happy they are together.  The Powers made Angel's soul permanent a year ago but it didn't matter.  Spike had already brought out this playfulness and lighter side of him before the Powers gave Angel their gift.  Spike brings out the best in people when he's given the chance to.   I was jealous at first, to be honest I still am, but I have to admit they're good for each other.

            It doesn't mean that I love him any less.  I'll love both of them my whole life.  Angel is my first true love and Spike is my greatest…even if he never knew that.  That is what I regret the most.  I never got to tell him the words.  It's all he ever asked of me…whether I was screwing him silly or beating him to a pulp, that's all he ever wanted.  Angel tells him several times a day, sometimes with just a glance or small touch.  It's enough.  Spike throws everything he is into loving Angel.  They both found what they were looking for.  It's just hard for me to accept that they found it in each other.  

            I'm a year away from retirement and a new slayer will be called.  I know that will not stop me though.  I am the slayer.  It's what I do.  I will never marry or have children.  I will slay until my last breath because everything I always wanted is now the one thing denied to me.  

            Spike may not be a man but he was never the monster that I told myself he was.  I will love him to my dying day.  The memory of what we could have shared is the last thing I will see before I pass on.  The memory of his face when he told me he loved me will always be in my heart.  

            It's been four years since he disappeared, three since he returned, and I am helpless to do anything but sit here with him and Angel.  They are preparing to raid a vamp nest in the old high school.  As they stride out the door I know that until I die all I am able to do is help them the best I can, loving Spike from afar.  But that doesn't mean that I have to stop watching.  He is my everything.  I will always watch him.


	2. Eternity

Disclaimer:  I own nothing.  Everything belongs to Joss Whedon, etc.

Eternity

By

Anessa Ramsey

         I think I'm truly pathetic at times.  When I was in that cave and said that I wanted to give Buffy what she deserved I should have known that getting the chip out of my head wouldn't be it.  I just didn't take the time to think about the way I worded my request until I was being filled with luminous bright light.  Sodding demon restored my soul.  

         Ever since that day four years ago I have been haunted by the memories of the people I slaughtered.  Some cry out more often and more vocally than others.  I'm finding that Cecily's voice is the most prominent.  She always was a snooty girl.  Being dead didn't change a thing. 

         Four years ago, about three weeks after receiving my soul I ended up in LA.  Don't ask me why but I knew that Peaches was the only one who could help me deal with my past.    He was there, as was the cheerleader and the rest of his pets.  The second they saw me they armed themselves.  I could have told them it wasn't necessary.  I was too weak to fight the smallest of children.  My sire was the only one to notice.  When they'd all set their weapons down and gone he gave me warmed blood and I drank it down, not caring that it left me with a blood mustache.  When I finally got the courage to look up I saw him just watching me and I had to turn away.

         "Why are you here, Spike?" was the first thing he asked me.  I knew that it would be.  Every other time I'd seen him since our first meeting in Sunnydale had been about inflicting pain on each other.  Now I needed my sire in a way that I hadn't in over a hundred years…and I was scared to ask for his help.

         I eventually said the words that got him to help me.  It was quite simple really.  Just two little words that played on his soul… "Please, sire."  He took me in and for a few weeks things were tense.  We avoided each other like the plague.  Then he heard from the blonde bitch that I was sure I was in love with.  She wanted to know if he'd heard from me.  Stupid bint told him everything I'd done.  Of course she didn't mention all the times she beat on me or used me for sex.  We fought for nearly two hours over that little indiscretion.  Then…I don't know how to explain it, but I guess you could just say that things changed.  It was as if the fight had purged us of some of our hatred.  Gradually we began to talk…a bloody miracle in his case.  Everything just began to click.  Angel wasn't the sire that I'd once loved.  He was rapidly becoming someone I was falling in love with.  Where Angelus would beat me for crying, Angel would hold me.  It was that gentleness that I'd been searching for.  

         The first time he kissed me I'd been staying with him for nearly six months.  I can still remember the way he tasted that night.  We'd gone clubbing, determined to have a night of fun.  We poured into the hotel at around three in the morning…and believe it or not I was stone cold sober.  

         I sat on the counter next to the computer and was going to ask him what he wanted to do next when I looked up.  He was standing just inside the door, leaning casually against the wall, and he was looking at me like he wanted to eat me up.  Before I knew it, he'd crossed the room and was standing between my knees, his hands threaded through my hair, kissing me as if he'd been denied my taste for far too long.  

         It was the most passionate, devouring, consuming kiss I'd ever received.  The slayer had never affected me on this level.  When he pulled back it was as if everything clicked in my mind.  I looked into those eyes that I loved so long ago and saw something I never thought I'd see again.  He loved me.  And I loved him.  I always had, even when I loved Dru and Buffy, he was still a part of me.

         We've been together since then.  He didn't have to worry about that little clause with me because he felt guilty about my existence.  The Powers made it permanent last year, and even though we knew he wasn't going to lose it, it's nice to know that he can't now.  We moved back to the Hellmouth a year after I went to him.  The cheerleader and the rest of his pets came with us.  Cordelia has befriended Willow who returned two years ago.  She understands loss better than anyone.  She still misses the mick, though she has started seeing one of those soldier boys that came back last year.  I think his name is Graham.  It took him a while to get used to us.  Her group of friends is a pretty screwed up bunch.

         When we first got back, I went to get my stuff.  Finding Buffy sitting in my crypt was not something I'd anticipated.  She actually looked relieved to see me.  I hated bursting her bubble when Angel walked in.  It's not everyday you find out that the love of your life is in love with the guy you screwed into the ground.  If I'd been soulless I would have appreciated the irony of her situation.  Instead all I felt was sadness.  But there was nothing I could do.  I loved Angel…I always had.

         It's been four years and she's learned to accept the relationship between Angel and I.  She's close to retirement, but I know that won't stop her from slaying.  I don't think she plans on living a normal life.  There's too much pain in her to try.  She doesn't believe in the things that she used to.  She won't let anyone close enough to even think about loving them or letting them love her in return.  It upsets me that she didn't realize how she felt until it was too late, but again, there's nothing I can do.  Eternity is not hers.  It's ours.  She'll die one day and we will both grieve, but she was not meant for either of us.  We were meant for each other.  For eternity.    


End file.
